Stresstab13: Structuring Relationships

Stress comes from unhappy relationships with others. We sometimes find ourselves locked into a relationship which we wish we could change. Seldom do we realize that we may have caused such a situation and could have prevented it by proper structuring of the relationship as it began. Coleman and Hammen expand on this idea:

Many of us are rather naive in the matter of structuring interpersonal relationships in ways that are appropriate to the situation and person. Often we unwittingly encourage others to be overly familiar or to take advantage of us--and then blame them for an unsatisfactory relationship that has been largely of our own making. It is always important to examine in advance the type of relationship that is desirable-- whether between employer and employee, executive and secretary, husband and wife, father and daughter, or friend and friend--and to take active measures to establish and maintain the relationship in the form we consider appropriate.

Coleman and Hammen point out that all interpersonal relationships become structured with time whether or not the persons involved exhibit a conscious effort to structure them. Once certain patterns have been established, it becomes increasingly difficult to change the structuring. For example, if we engage in sexual intimacy with a close friend but then desire to limit such behavior in the future, it will be more difficult to do than if we had structured the affectional limits differently in the first place. Changing an unsatisfying relationship is still possible, however, regardless of how structured it has become. We can initiate a restructuring process by expressing a positive regard for the other person and a desire to continue the relationship in a more satisfying manner. Then, we can suggest specific changes we would like to see made and express a willingness to do what we can to improve the relationship. Finally, we can solicit ideas and suggestions from the other person about changing the relationship.

Restructuring an existing relationship is possible, but as Coleman and Hammen suggest, we are better off to evaluate in advance new situations with others, decide what kind of relationship we want with them, and then take active measures to establish and maintain that relationship according to our original decision. By doing this, we will better avoid being drawn into a relationship we later resent.